Waiting to breathe

Tomorrow.  Maybe by tomorrow night I will be able to breathe.  We will be back from the airport, and he will be gone.  No more yelling in my face.  No more belittling.  No more controlling every. Single. Thing.  Maybe it is wrong of me, but I am looking forward to doing things my way.  Sure, I will make mistakes and learn along the way.  But I will try again.  See, despite what he thinks, I am not a quitter.  I lack consistency sometimes, but I stick with the important things.  I haven't always.  And there are times when he makes me feel like I'm still the same person who struggled so much at BYU, like I am incapable of doing anything different.  In his eyes I will always be at my worst, my weakest. 
Well, after a week of catching up on my breathing, I am going to prove him wrong. 

Analysis

It has been over 2 years since I last wrote on this blog, and it has been the hardest 2 years I have ever gone through.  I am still dealing with the emotional effects of everything I went through (and continue to go through), and I have some big decisions to make about my life and where I want it to head.  I am finding myself torn between forgiveness and putting myself in a position to be hurt over and over again, as has happened for so long.  And I thought that being the strong one - trying to be positive and uplifting throughout it all - would be the right thing to do.  Only I am now being told that I was being dishonest and being fake.  So do I continue on being positive, as I always thought was right, or do I allow the outside of me to truly reflect the feelings of my soul.  How do I balance being forgiving and kind with standing up for myself?  Can I do that in a kind way in this situation?  Can I be brave enough to let my walls down, knowing that I am going to get hurt again?  Or is that plain stupid?  And what kind of an example am I setting to my children, especially my daughters?  How long is long enough to trust that things are going to be better, going to stay different?  If I act like everything is fine, will things get worse again because it seems like everything is forgiven?
So many questions swirling around in my mind, in my spirit.  What would the Savior have me do? Yes, we are to forgive others, but we are not to allow ourselves to become a doormat.  Elder Holland said something that keeps coming to my mind when I think about this.  He said, " In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, one who is constantly critical of you, one who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor.  Life is tough enough without the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy.  In this person's care, you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure."  So I am trying to balance that statement with my reality and how to process it all.
I want my girls to know how a man should treat them.  I want my boys to learn how to treat a lady and how to be a gentleman.  I want all of my children to learn how to process conflict and disagreement in a healthy way.  There have definitely been times when I have contributed to the spirit of contention, when I have been a big part of the conflict.  And I need to learn to do that differently. But I also can't not stand up for myself and my children any longer.  I have to understand and be patient enough to do that in the right way.  

Both directions

This is how I have felt lately.  Running this way and that - mostly dropping kids off at activities or picking them up or taking them to the orthodontist or dentist, or shopping for groceries......Does it end?  Ever?  I look at my schedule, and it has been crazy lately - three concerts in a week's time, rehearsals, soccer games/practices, scout service projects, and on and on.  Sometimes I would just like to stay home all day and work on stuff, but even when I am home, I am taking James to the bathroom every 20 minutes.  Yes, he has expressed interest in potty training, and I am all for getting him out of the diapers!  But it is so....tedious.  I feel like I am being pulled in 15 different directions, and being pulled thin in every way except physically (where I seem to be growing at an alarming rate).  And just when I feel like I can't go anymore, I pull out my scriptures and read this:

I am reminded that this is the season of my life.  The day will come when my children will all be in school or out of the house, and I will wish for these moments with them - some of our best conversations have happened in the car. And what greater work could I be doing than shepherding these children and helping them to know that they are the most important things in my life.  Yes, my life revolves around their schedules and their needs, but that is where my life SHOULD be right now.  So bring on the loads of laundry, tell me last minute that you need me to take you somewhere or that you need a batch of brownies for your class project.  That is what I am here for, and I hope I will never forget it!  Gordon B. Hinckley said, "You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."  I am investing into the miracles that are my children, and I pray that my efforts can be focused in the right places to help them grow into the people they are needed to be.

Stumbling block or Stepping Stones?

On Saturday, I took the five younger children, and we went to watch a movie called "The Croods".  It was a good movie with a good message, and I appreciated how it focused on the family and showed the importance of unity in the family and how that can be achieved.  There was one thing that got me thinking.  The father of the family sees it as his responsibility to protect the family, so his motto is "Never not be afraid".  He recites this to his family, and they recite it back.  And it has kept them safe, whereas other families have not been so lucky.  Yet there was one scene where the family is separated, and they are trying to find their way through a maze of tunnels to be reunited on the other side.  One of the children, the rebellious daughter who has always fought against her father's mantra, has no trouble navigating the tunnels, even delights in what she finds along the way.  Her brother, however, who tried  very hard to follow in his father's footsteps and make him proud, has a moment where he seems paralyzed by the fear that his father has instilled in him.  As a matter of fact, before they head through the tunnels, the father again reiterates, "Never not be afraid", and the son hears it and stops, wondering what to do.  New was bad for them, so he was afraid to take a step into the dark, to get through something new and different in order to find a better home for their family.

The thought that ran through my head was, "What have I instilled in my children?  Will it be a help or a hindrance to them when they venture out on their own?  Will my words and my teachings help them to make it through the maze of this world so that our family can be reunited on the other side?"  I don't want our teachings, our traditions, our family culture or habits to be a stumbling block for my children to progress and become the people they need to be.  I want them to be stepping stones that will help them to find their way to be better than their parents, to be a spring board to help them soar to new heights that we haven't even imagined for them.  I want everything that I do to lead them to Christ, to help them know that His love can change our lives.  That is the great mission of this phase of my life, and I need to do better.  The scriptures says, "We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins."  (2 Ne. 25:26)  Do my children know that I rely on the Lord in times of trial, that I thank Him for His many blessings, that I turn to Him when I feel like there is nowhere else to go?  Do I incorporate the example of the Savior in my life so that they know that I follow after Him?

Enabling Power

As I mentioned in my first post, I went to Conference with some very specific questions about my life, my struggles, and my needs.  And, as should come as no surprise, the Lord let me know of His love for me in very powerful ways throughout conference.  Yes, there were definitely the talks that reminded me of many things that I need to work on, but the feeling that enveloped me was the love that the Savior has for us, even in the midst of all of our weaknesses and struggles.  As President Eyring spoke, he said something that stood out to me.  He spoke of a sacrament meeting when he felt the love of the Lord in a powerful way, and then he said, "I wanted to rekindle once again the feelings of the love of the Savior and His closeness I felt during that sacrament meeting in my youth. So recently I kept another commandment. I searched in the scriptures."  I always think of the prophets and apostles as constantly bathing in the Spirit, being always surrounded by its glow.  To think that an apostle wanted once again to feel those feelings reminded me that it is okay that I have times when I don't feel as close to the Savior as I would like.   Not that it is okay that I don't feel close to Him, but that everyone has those times when they feel that way.  

One of the speakers referenced the enabling power of the Atonement, and I was reminded of some talks, especially one by Elder Bednar on the topic, and I have been thinking about it a lot lately.  Here are some of my thoughts.

Elder Bednar said, “Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, with our obviously limited capacities.”

I LOVE THAT! I am guilty of trying to use sheer grit, willpower, and discipline to change my very nature all on my own, and when I fail, I blame myself for not trying harder. Elder Bednar goes on to say, “The gospel of the Savior is not simply about avoiding bad in our lives; it also is essentially about doing and becoming good. And the Atonement provides help for us to overcome and avoid bad and to do and become good. Help from the Savior is available for the entire journey of mortality—from bad to good to better and to change our very nature.”

The change from bad to good is the gift of the redeeming power of the Atonement. The transformation from good to better is a gift: Relying on the Savior to change our very natures and become saints worthy of eternal life. 

In Ether 12:27 it says, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

I used to think that this scripture simply meant that we were given weaknesses so that we would become humble and seek help from Heaven to turn those weaknesses into strengths. After pondering this scripture and applying it over and over again to the weaknesses and shortcomings in my life, I now understand that that is precisely what it means. 

We are given shortcomings and faults SO THAT WE WILL TURN TO THE LORD. Not so we can see how tough we can be. Not so we can compare our strengths to other’s weaknesses or the more commonly accepted mistake; to compare our weaknesses to other’s strengths. 

We have weak aspects in our nature. All of us do. They do not make us evil. They make us human. Eventually, however, if we want to live with our Heavenly Father, we will need to change those weak aspects. And we do not have the capacity to do it on our own. No matter the amount of sheer grit, willpower, or discipline we apply. Our efforts fall short. We need the power of the Atonement. 

There are days, when I have used up my best efforts even before breakfast! How am I to continue without divine help? My poor family has all too often been the recipient of my unwillingness to access the Atonement’s strengthening power on those days, when Impatience is their after school snack and grumpiness the main course for dinner. 

We all have struggles.  Some of our struggles are widely known, plastered all over Facebook for the world to see and sympathize and share. But, many of our trials are personal. Private. The tears hidden. The burdens camouflaged with plastered smiles on Sunday morning. 

Some of these burdens are self-inflicted, but most are simply unfair. 

In The Book of Mormon, we read about the people of Alma. They had left their complacent existence under the wicked King Noah, to follow Alma. They had accepted the gospel and been baptized, covenanting “to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that {they} may be in, even until death,” and to “serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon {them}.

Their peaceful new life was short-lived. The Lamanites discovered them, and, with the spiteful vengeance of one of Alma’s former colleagues at the helm, they were brought into essential slavery. They were not allowed to pray to their newfound God. They were forced to labor and carry around actual burdens to add to the spiritual burdens of not being able to worship. 

“And Alma and his people did did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts. And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.”

The Lord came to them IN their afflictions, not after they were over. Likewise, He will come to us IN, DURING, WHILE we are struggling. And, we have made the same covenant the people of Alma made. The promise is the same. He will deliver us out of spiritual bondage. That is the future promise of the Atonement. We will all be resurrected and delivered from the bondage of our mortal bodies. If we repent we can eventually lay hold of eternal life and be delivered from spiritual bondage. But, in the next verse comes the here and now of the Atonement. For in the meantime, this is what the Lord promises:

“And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage;”

Even WHILE we are suffering. Today. Now. 

“and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.”

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”

The Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease. That gift of increased strength is part of the Atonement. He has already fulfilled His part. We simply must ask for help and rely on Him for that strengthening power. 

We were never meant to face our challenges alone. That is one gift of the Atonement. He suffered so that He might be there with us, helping us. Strengthening us. The next time we hear the words, “I can’t do it,” whether from someone else, or from our own mouth or in our own minds, let’s be quick to add ALONE. And ask for the help that is waiting for us. 

I love the story of Ammon in the Book of Mormon. He slays the wicked men with stones and swords, he helps convert an entire kingdom of people. Then, later on, when he and his brethren meet back up with their best friend Alma, Ammon starts recounting all the wonderful things that happened to them. His brother Aaron starts to chastise him, saying, “Ammon, I fear that thy joy doth carry thee away unto boasting.” I have to say, I’ve always agreed with Aaron. Until the last time I read this verse. Because now I agree wholeheartedly with Ammon. 

“But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.”

 As to my strength, I am weak. but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things. I will never slay wicked men or convert kingdoms, but I testify that many mighty miracles have been wrought in my life. WE ARE THE MIGHTIEST MIRACLES. In this life, through the help of our Savior’s Atonement, we can change our very natures and become not just good people, but verifiable saints, worthy to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ forever. And for that, I will praise His name, even unto apparent boasting, forever. 

Stagnant

Stagnant.  That is how I have felt lately.  For a while, I feel like the only part of me that has grown is my waistline.  I have been going through the motions of prayer and scripture study without really feeling like I have gained much.  There have been moments of inspiration and revelation, but they have been much more rare than I would like.  I have been struggling with feeling motivated in my callings, and they have suffered.  I used to plan out my entire month of music, and now I have a hard time getting prepared for each Sunday.  I looked forward to Activity Days with excitement for what I had planned for the girls.  Over the last few weeks due to circumstances mostly beyond my control, we have had to cancel the activities three times, and a big part of me was relieved.

Listening to General Conference made me realize how much I am missing out on in my life, due to my own bad habits.  I set new goals, but they last for about two or three days, and then I get distracted and throw it out the window.  I want to be organized, I want to be healthy, I want to be a hands-on mother, I want to feel like I can serve the Lord, I want to be put together, but a big part of me doesn't want to admit how far away from those things I feel.  I guess that is the first step - admitting it.  Then I can try to fix it one day at a time, starting right now.

A New Beginning

So Stephanie has inspired me to start blogging again, but in a more personal manner.  I am going to use this for my personal blog, and try to update the family blog once a week.  We'll see how long that lasts.   But I have realized that I am going through life without really cherishing it.  We seem to go from one crisis to the next, and that makes life seem stressful.  So I am going to try to look for the positive things and try to record them there.  This, though, will be more of my personal struggles, triumphs, and musings.
This year has seemed really difficult so far.  Each month has brought its own struggle: January involved a car crash (totally my fault) and the resulting repair bill (which was larger than it should have been since we never switched our insurance off liability), February brought a concussion and a broken right arm, and March brought sickness for everyone in the family (except Paul), which was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting.  It didn't help matters that spring had a really hard time arriving.  Having so many cloudy days was definitely hard on me.  Here we are in the beginning of April, hoping for a better month.  General Conference was a great way to start off the month!  I always love Conference, and this year was no exception.  I went with several questions in my heart, and they were all answered!  How I love having a living prophet and other leaders who speak the words of the Lord and speak peace to my heart!  I will try to do a General Conference Book Club on this blog, so if anyone wants to read it, you can participate and share your thoughts.  I felt such feelings of love and acceptance from the Lord, in spite of all my struggles and weaknesses.  It was just what I needed.
So now I am off to finish cleaning the house and get dinner going before Chad gets home.  I call this chaos hour - so many different things going on, trying to accomplish too much at once.  Some days I remember to work on fixing dinner earlier, so it is basically ready by the time the kids get home from school.  Then it just needs to be reheated, but that doesn't happen very often.  One of these days I will get my act together.  Hopefully it will be before all of my children leave the nest!