Stagnant

Stagnant.  That is how I have felt lately.  For a while, I feel like the only part of me that has grown is my waistline.  I have been going through the motions of prayer and scripture study without really feeling like I have gained much.  There have been moments of inspiration and revelation, but they have been much more rare than I would like.  I have been struggling with feeling motivated in my callings, and they have suffered.  I used to plan out my entire month of music, and now I have a hard time getting prepared for each Sunday.  I looked forward to Activity Days with excitement for what I had planned for the girls.  Over the last few weeks due to circumstances mostly beyond my control, we have had to cancel the activities three times, and a big part of me was relieved.

Listening to General Conference made me realize how much I am missing out on in my life, due to my own bad habits.  I set new goals, but they last for about two or three days, and then I get distracted and throw it out the window.  I want to be organized, I want to be healthy, I want to be a hands-on mother, I want to feel like I can serve the Lord, I want to be put together, but a big part of me doesn't want to admit how far away from those things I feel.  I guess that is the first step - admitting it.  Then I can try to fix it one day at a time, starting right now.