Analysis

It has been over 2 years since I last wrote on this blog, and it has been the hardest 2 years I have ever gone through.  I am still dealing with the emotional effects of everything I went through (and continue to go through), and I have some big decisions to make about my life and where I want it to head.  I am finding myself torn between forgiveness and putting myself in a position to be hurt over and over again, as has happened for so long.  And I thought that being the strong one - trying to be positive and uplifting throughout it all - would be the right thing to do.  Only I am now being told that I was being dishonest and being fake.  So do I continue on being positive, as I always thought was right, or do I allow the outside of me to truly reflect the feelings of my soul.  How do I balance being forgiving and kind with standing up for myself?  Can I do that in a kind way in this situation?  Can I be brave enough to let my walls down, knowing that I am going to get hurt again?  Or is that plain stupid?  And what kind of an example am I setting to my children, especially my daughters?  How long is long enough to trust that things are going to be better, going to stay different?  If I act like everything is fine, will things get worse again because it seems like everything is forgiven?
So many questions swirling around in my mind, in my spirit.  What would the Savior have me do? Yes, we are to forgive others, but we are not to allow ourselves to become a doormat.  Elder Holland said something that keeps coming to my mind when I think about this.  He said, " In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, one who is constantly critical of you, one who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor.  Life is tough enough without the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy.  In this person's care, you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure."  So I am trying to balance that statement with my reality and how to process it all.
I want my girls to know how a man should treat them.  I want my boys to learn how to treat a lady and how to be a gentleman.  I want all of my children to learn how to process conflict and disagreement in a healthy way.  There have definitely been times when I have contributed to the spirit of contention, when I have been a big part of the conflict.  And I need to learn to do that differently. But I also can't not stand up for myself and my children any longer.  I have to understand and be patient enough to do that in the right way.